Wednesday, September 27, 2017

After Hours

In times like these, when the day is supposed to be done but my husband works late, the silence suddenly hits me. I've filled in the rest of the day with music, podcasts, and trying to make the baby laugh, but those things aren't quite filling the air. I suppose its because my mental day planner has closed and my ears are now listening for him to turn the lock on the door, even though I know its going to be another 3-4 hours until I see him. I should be making dinner, but that will wait until later, when we can eat together.

No, I don't really want any friends to be over to soak up the lonliness. Because they aren't my best friends. The sun goes down and I start to feel like its only me and my son in my own little world that consists of the living room, the bedroom and the kitchen. No, I don't really want to watch Netflix to pass the time, and I've cleaned enough today. I can't really focus on anything except how to deal with being alone.

Being alone is good and I want to be able to be alone. But right now I don't have that ability because I still seek gratification in many forms from people. Silence is also very good, and sometimes I crave it. But most of the time I avoid it because in the silence I feel like my consciousness is bare, allowing me to feel my lonliness and to hear my thoughts as I reflect on it.

Lonliness is always God's pleading to be me. It is a gift that is experienced differently by all people, but I shy away from it because I cannot face God sometimes. I am ashamed because I haven't given Him my best, and somehow I've placed the rule that if I am not at my best, I have no reason to approach Him at all. And writing this now, I see that this is how the evil one uses my shame to keep me away from God.

So I'll watch the shadows change and let the silence be. I will recognize Him and give Him my ears. And then my soul.

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